Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.
Expressing regret, or apologizing, is a cleansing ritual, like confessions in church. You say, “I’m sorry” — and you feel better. But like many things that are fine in theory, it’s hard for many of us to do.
Perhaps we think apologizing means we have lost a contest (and successful people have a practically irrational need to win at everything). Perhaps we find it painful to admit we were wrong. Perhaps we find it humiliating to seek forgiveness (which suggests subservience). Perhaps we feel that apologizing forces us to cede power or control (actually the opposite is true).
Whatever the reasons, refusing to apologize causes as much ill will in the workplace (and at home) as any other interpersonal flaw.
If you look back at the tattered relationships in your life, I suspect many of them began to fray at the precise moment when one of you couldn’t summon the emotional intelligence to say, “I’m sorry.”
People who can’t apologize at work may as well be wearing a t-shirt that says, “I don’t care about you.”
The irony, of course, is that all the fears that lead us to resist apologizing — the fear of losing, admitting we’re wrong, ceding control — are actually erased by an apology. When you say, “I’m sorry,” you turn people into your allies, even your partners.
We reap what we sow. If you smile at people, they will smile back. If you ignore them, they will resent you. If you put your fate in their hands — i.e., cede power to them — they will reward you.
If you put all your cards in someone else’s hands that person will treat you better than if you kept the cards to yourself. To gain a friend, let him do you a favour.
Apologizing is one of the most powerful and resonant gestures in the human arsenal — almost as powerful as a declaration of love. It’s “I love you” flipped on its head. If love means, “I care about you and I’m happy about it,” then an apology means, “I hurt you and I’m sorry about it.” Either way, it irrevocably changes the relationship between two people. It compels them to move forward into something new and, perhaps, wonderful together.
The best thing about apologising is that it forces everyone to let go of the past. In effect, you are saying, “I can’t change the past. All I can say is I’m sorry for what I did wrong. I’m sorry it hurt you. There’s no excuse for it and I will try to do better in the future. I would like you to give me any ideas about how I can improve.”
That statement — an admission of guilt, an apology, and a plea for help — is tough for even the most cold-hearted among us to resist. And when you employ it on coworkers it can have an alchemical effect on how they feel about you and themselves.
There’s a magic in this process. When you declare your dependence on others, they usually agree to help. And during the course of making you a better person, they inevitably try to become better people themselves. This is how individuals change, how teams improve, how divisions grow, and how companies become world-beaters.
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