No, But, However

Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.

When you start a sentence with “no,” “but,” “however,” or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly your tone or how many cute mollifying phrases you throw in to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, the message to the other person is You Are Wrong.

It’s not “I have a different opinion.” It’s not “Perhaps you are misinformed.” It’s not, “I disagree with you.” It’s bluntly and unequivocally, “What you’re saying is wrong and what I am saying is right.”

Nothing productive can happen after that. The general response from the other person (unless he or she is a saint) is to dispute your position and fight back. From there the conversation dissolves into a pointless war. You’re no longer communicating. You’re both trying to win.

If you keep a scorecard of how many times your colleagues use these three words to start a sentence, you’ll be shocked at how commonly used these words are.

If you drill a little deeper, patterns will emerge. You’ll see how people inflict these words on others to gain or consolidate power. You’ll also see how intensely people resent it, consciously or not, and how it stifles rather than opens up discussion.

Stop trying to defend your position and start monitoring how many times you begin remarks with “no,” “but,” or “however.” Pay extra close attention to those moments when you use these words in sentences whose ostensible purpose is agreement with what the other party is saying. For example, “That’s true, however ….” (Meaning: You don’t think it’s true at all.) Or the particularly common opener, “Yes, but …” (Meaning: Prepare to be contradicted.)

Once you appreciate how guilty you have been, maybe then you’ll begin to change your “winning” ways. (Irony intended.)