Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.
Dale Carnegie liked to say that the two sweetest words in English language were a person’s first and last name. After all, who doesn’t like to hear their name on other people’s lips?
I’m not sure Dale was right. To me, the two sweetest words in the language are “Thank you.” They’re not only disarming and pleasant to the ear, but they help us avoid so many problems. Like apologising, thanking is a magical super-gesture of interpersonal relations. It’s what you say when you have nothing nice to say — and it will never annoy the person hearing it.
Yet people have a tough time executing this. Whether they’re receiving a helpful suggestion or unwanted advice or a nice compliment, they get confused how to respond. They have too many options. They can dispute the comment, question it, fine-tune it, clarify it, criticise it, amplify it. They’ll do practically everything but the right thing. Say “Thank you.”
You: “You look great. That’s a gorgeous dress!”
She: “Oh, this old thing? It’s just some rag I found in the closet.”
You tune out. She’s going on and on about the dress, but you’re looking at her in puzzlement. You’ve just handed her a sweet compliment, and she’s arguing with you! In effect, she’s saying, “You are confused if you think this is a beautiful dress. It is nothing compared to the other really beautiful dresses in my closet. If you were smarter, you would know that this pathetic old rag is hardly conclusive evidence of my exquisite sartorial taste.”
That’s the chilling effect of not saying thank you. You create a problem where none exists. I try to teach people that, if they don’t know what to say, their default response to any suggestion should be, “Thank you.”
No matter what someone tells you, you are not going to learn less. When somebody makes a suggestion or gives you ideas, you’re either going to learn more or learn nothing. But you’re not going to learn less. Hearing people out does not make you dumber. So thank them for trying to help.
The troublemaking phrase I always look out for is, “I’m confused.” — because it is so subtle and dishonest. He’s saying you’re confused — which is another way of saying, “You’re wrong.”
Gratitude is a skill that we can never display too often. And yet for some reason we are cheap and chary with gratitude. Gratitude is not a limited resource — nor is it costly. It is as abundant as air. We breathe it in but forget to exhale.
Pick something to be grateful for. Do it now.
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