An extract from Marshall Goldsmith’s “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”.
80% of our success in learning from other people is based upon how well we listen. Listening is not a passive activity. Good listeners regard what they do as a highly active process — with every muscle engaged, especially the brain.
Three things all good listeners do:
They think before they speak
You can’t listen if you are talking. Keeping your mouth shut is an active choice. Particularly when you are upset about what you are hearing. If you can master this, you can listen effectively.
They listen with respect
Did your significant other ever say, “You are not listening to me!”? You look up and say, “Yes I am.” And calmly provide a verbatim playback of everything said to prove that you were listening and that your companion in life … is wrong. What have you accomplished by this virtuosic display of your multitasking skills? Was it smart? No. Does your partner think more highly of you? Not likely. Is anyone impressed? Hardly. Your partner might as well think: “Gee, I thought you weren’t listening. But now I realise it is a deeper issue. You’re a complete jerk.” This is what happens when we listen without showing respect. It’s not enough to keep our ears open; we have to demonstrate that we are totally engaged. If you’ve never done it, listening with respect makes you sweat.
Always gauging their response by asking themselves “Is it worth it?”
While listening, are we busy composing what we’re going to say next? Orchestrating a comment that annoys them? Inject a destructive tone? Asking “Is it worth it” forces you to consider what the other person will feel after hearing your response. It forces you to play at least two moves ahead. Not many people do that. You talk. They talk. And so on — back and forth like a beginner’s chess game where no one thinks beyond the move in front of them. It’s the lowest form of chess, it is also the lowest grade of listening.
We are certainly capable of doing these. We did on our first date — paragons of attentiveness and interest. With our boss — lock in on our boss’s eyes and mouth — searching for smiles and frowns, as if they are significant clues about our career prospects. Basically, we are treating our date or our boss as if they are the most important person in the room.
The only difference? The great listeners do this all the time. They treat everyone equally — and everyone eventually notices.
Why don’t we do it? We forget. We get distracted. We don’t have the mental discipline to make it automatic. Listening requires the discipline to concentrate.
Here are some tiny tactics
- Listen
- Don’t interrupt
- Don’t finish the other person’s sentences
- Don’t say ‘I knew that’
- Don’t even agree with the other person (even if he praises you, just say ‘Thank You’)
- Don’t use the words “no,” “but,” and “however”
- Don’t be distracted. Don’t let your eyes or attention wander elsewhere while the other person is talking
- Maintain your end of the dialogue by asking intelligent questions that (a) show you’re paying attention (b) move the conversation forward, and [c] require the other person to talk (while you listen)
- Eliminate any striving to impress the other person with how smart or funny you are. Your only aim is to let the other person feel that he or she is accomplishing that
If you can do that, you’ll uncover a paradox: The more you subsume your desire to shine, the more you will shine in the other person’s eye.
Do it all the time.
altLearners 