Winning Too Much

Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful.

One such “bad” habit is “Winning too much”. Or, our need to win at all costs. This is easily the most common behavioral problem and underlies nearly every other habit. There is a fine line between competitive and over-competitive, between winning when it counts and when no one’s counting — and successful people cross that line with alarming frequency.

  • If we argue too much, it’s because we want our view to prevail over everyone else (it’s all about winning)
  • If we’re guilty of putting down other people, it’s our stealthy way of positioning them beneath us (again, winning)
  • If we ignore people, again it’s about winning — by making them fade away
  • If we withhold information, it’s to give ourselves an edge over others
  • If we play favourites, it’s to win over allies and give “our side” an advantage

If you have achieved any modicum of success, you’re guilty of this everyday. Even when you are in the checkout line at the supermarket, you’re scouting the other lines to see which is moving faster.

Even when the issue is to our disadvantage, we want to win!

Lets say you wanted to go to dinner at restaurant X. Your spouse wants to go to Y. You have a heated debate about the choice. But you grudgingly yield and end up going to Y. The experience confirms your misgivings. Option A: Critique the restaurant and smugly point out to your partner how wrong he or she was. Option B: Shut up and eat the food. Mentally write it off and enjoy the evening. If we do a “cost-benefit” analysis we generally conclude that our relationship with our partner is far more important than winning a trivial argument about what we eat. And yet … the urge to win trumps our common sense.

We can become more successful if we appreciate this “flaw” and work to suppress it in our interpersonal relations.