Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.
Anger has its value as a management tool I guess. It wakes up sleepy employees. It raises everyone’s metabolism. However, emotional volatility is not the most reliable leadership tool. When you get angry, you are actually out of control. It’s hard to lead people when you’ve lost control.
The worst thing about anger is how it stifles our ability to change. Once you get a reputation for emotional volatility, you are branded for life. We save a special place in our mind for our chronically angry colleagues.
How do you stop getting angry? I doubt if I could shut down your rages at life’s injustices and follies. But I can make you appreciate that (a) you’re probably not angry at the proverbial “other guy” and (b) there’s a simple way to lose your reputation for getting angry.
Anger is rarely someone else’s fault. It’s a flaw that’s solely our own. A Buddhist legend tells of a young farmer who was covered with sweat as he paddled his boat up the river. He was going upstream to deliver his produce to the village. He was in a hurry. It was a hot day and he wanted to make his delivery and get home before dark. As he looked ahead, he spied another vessel, heading rapidly downstream toward his boat. This vessel seemed to be making every effort to hit him. He rowed furiously to get out of the way, but it didn’t seem to help.
He yelled at the other vessel, “Change direction, you idiot! You are going to hit me. The river is wide. Be careful!” His screaming was to no avail. The other vessel hit his boat with a sickening thud. He was enraged as he stood up and cried out to the other vessel. “You moron! How could you manage to hit my boat in the middle of this wide river? What is wrong with you?”
As he looked at the other vessel, he realised that there was no one in the other boat. He was screaming at an empty vessel that had broken free of its moorings and was going downstream with the current.
The lesson is simple. There is never anyone in the other boat. When we are angry, we are screaming at an empty vessel.
All of us have people in our lives who drive us crazy, whom we hate with a passion. We may have spent countless hours reliving the moments when this person was unfair, unappreciative, or inconsiderate to us. Even remembering this person bumps up our blood pressure.
Getting angry doesn’t improve the situation and life’s too short to waste on feeling bad. A sage would say that the person making us so angry cannot help who he is. Getting mad at him for being who he is makes as much sense as getting mad at our desk for being a desk. If we had his parents, his genes, and his background, we would be him. That’s easier said than done, but it comes closer to the real issue: More often than not, we might as well be him because we are really angry at ourselves.
As to the second point, I can help you lose your reputation as a person who gets angry with one simple piece of advice. It is this: If you keep your mouth shut, no one can ever know how you really feel. Once you appreciate the payoff of saying nothing — that if you’re silent, you cannot make an ass out of yourself or make an enemy out of someone else — then you might have a chance of getting better.
The next time you start to speak out of anger, look in the mirror. In every case, you’ll find that the root of your rage is not “out there” but “in here.”
altLearners 