Passing Judgement

Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.

There’s nothing wrong with offering an opinion in the normal give and take of business discussions. You want people to agree or disagree freely.

But it’s not appropriate to pass judgement when we specifically ask people to voice their opinions about us. Even in the most gentle, intimate moments, when people are offering us their most acute (and helpful) snapshots of ourselves, we can’t help passing judgements.

This is true even if you ask a question and agree with the answer. Consciously or not, the other person will register your agreement. It’s no different than a CEO in a meeting asking for suggestions about a problem and telling one subordinate, “That’s a great idea.” Then telling another subordinate, “That’s a good idea.” And saying nothing at all to a third subordinate’s suggestion. The first individual is probably pleased and encouraged to have the CEO’s approval. The second individual is slightly less pleased. The third individual is neither encouraged nor pleased. But you can be sure of two things. First, everyone in the room has made a note of the CEOs rankings. Second, no matter how well-intentioned the CEO’s comments are, the net result is that grading people’s answers — rather than just accepting them without comment — makes people hesitant and defensive.

People don’t like to be critiqued, however obliquely. That’s why passing judgement is one of the most insidious ways we push people away and hold ourselves back from greater success. The only sure thing that comes out of passing judgements on people’s efforts to help is that they won’t help us again.

A Doctor does not care how you broke your leg. He only cares about fixing your leg. You need to extend the same attitude — the doctor’s mission neutral purpose — to dealing with people trying to help you.

Try this: For one week treat every idea that comes your way from another person with complete neutrality. Don’t take sides. Don’t express an opinion. Don’t judge the comment. If you find yourself constitutionally incapable of just saying “Thank you,” make it an innocuous, “Thanks, I hadn’t considered that.” Or, “Thanks. You’ve given me something to think about.”

This will significantly reduce the number of pointless arguments you engage in at work or at home. People will gradually begin to see you as a much more agreeable person, even when you are not in fact agreeing with them. Do this consistently and people will eventually brand you as a welcoming person, someone whose door they can knock on when they have an idea.