Perhaps one small flaw or behavior we barely even recognize is the only thing that’s keeping us from where we want to be. In his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”, Marshall Goldsmith has a “to stop” list rather than one listing what “to do”. This “to stop” list is designed to help us overcome our unconscious annoying habits and become more successful. Here’s one habit we can strive to overcome.
Destructive comments are the cutting sarcastic remarks we spew out daily, with or without intention, that serve no other purpose than to put people down, hurt them, or assert ourselves as their superiors. They are different from comments that add too much value — because they add nothing but pain.
They run the gamut from a thoughtless jab in a meeting (“That wasn’t very bright”) to gratuitous comments about how someone looks (“Nice tie” — with a smirk) to elaborately planned critiques of people’s past performances that everyone but you has forgotten. (“Do you remember the time you …”)
Press people to list the destructive comments they have made in the last 24 hours and they will quite often come up blank. We make destructive comments without thinking — and therefore without noticing or remembering. But the objects of our scorn remember.
Further, once the comment leaves your lips, the damage is done and it’s very hard to undo. You can’t take it back. No matter how fervently you apologise — and even if the apology is accepted — the comment lingers in the memory.
Destructive comments are an easy habit to fall into, especially among people who habitually rely on candour as an effective management tool. Trouble is, candour can easily become a weapon. People permit themselves to issue destructive comments under the excuse that they are true. The fact that a destructive comment is true is irrelevant. The question is not, “Is it true?” but rather, “Is it worth it?”
We instinctively avoid destructive comments when it’s a survival issue. We know the difference between honesty and full disclosure. We may think our boss is a complex ass, but we are under no moral or ethical obligation to express that — to the boss’s face or to anyone else for that matter. You need to extend this survival instinct not only up the organisation but across and down as well.
Before speaking, ask yourself:
- Will this comment help our customers?
- Will this comment help our company?
- Will this comment help the person I’m talking to?
- Will this comment help the person I’m talking about?
If the answer is NO, the correct strategy does not require a Ph.D. to implement. Don’t say it.
TIP: Spend a few 1000 dollars and you will get better. Offer 10$ to anyone who hears you make destructive comments about another person. The financial pain may get you thinking in the right direction.
altLearners 
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